(& other lies we tell ourselves)
Unlovable, unwanted, not enjoyable to be with… These words were the anthem of deception my adolescent heart believed. True belonging and acceptance - to be loved and known - felt as far out of my reach as escaping the halls of high school did then. Of course, this fear can't be pinned on school students entirely. Other factors were at play - but frequently being picked last, friends leaving for more appealing ones, consistently being overlooked for roles in auditions, and never being asked to school dances certainly didn't help alleviate the fears my heart believed. You see, when all the girls my age were born, all of their parents got together and decided to name all of their daughters Abby. (Okay, being dramatic here…but not about how many people were named Abby in my grade alone. Seriously, you guys, it was ridiculous!) I was one unseen Abby in an incredibly large sea of other literal Abbys. When someone called out my name in the halls, my heart would leap! Maybe this was it! A chance to be seen and wanted! This would quickly disappoint as it was always the other Abby in the hall. The funnier one. The louder one. The prettier one. The Abby I would never be. It wasn't until years down the road when some pals and I were studying Hebrew roots of words in the Bible for a night class when it occurred to us - hey, wait a sec, what meanings do our own names hold? I did a quick google check of what Abigail means. Slow internet - ugh. Okay, not a problem! Switched gears and looked up what Louise, my middle name, means. The page loaded quickly - "famous in battle". What! I chuckled a bit - no way that is true for a name like Louise! Thinking it was pretty comedic, tried again to reload what Abigail means, hoping for a more relatable answer. And there it was - "My Father delights in me. A cause of joy."
I frowned, confused. This couldn't be true - it just couldn’t align with the narrative my heart had told my mind for years. Reload again to a new search. "Your Father's delight. Your Father's joy." Same results. (That was unexpected.)
I suppose I had never considered God delighting in me as His daughter. And no one up to that point had ever told me that I was a reason they had joy before. No one seemed to enjoy my presence quite that much, let alone ever asked for it. Then it all hit me all once. My favorite song as a child that I jammed out because of the sweet, sweet harmonies it possesses, but the lyrics came back to mind all at once: "You are a child of Mine Born of My own design And you bear the heart of life. No matter where you go"
(Child of Mine, Mark Schultz). Tears brimmed my eyes and my spirits lifted. God had been telling my whole life just how much He loves me, it just took years for me to see it. He used my parents' decision of my name as a literal constant reminder of how much He delights in having me as His daughter and how much He loves me. He knew I would need that constant spoken reminder of His love and acceptance, that He wanted to spend time with me and enjoyed it deeply. Every time I would listen to Mark Schultz's song (and try to only pick out the harmonies) the lyrics in the song were quietly being imprinted in my heart. I wasn't just another Abby in a sea of Abbys - I was His Abby. Known, seen, wanted. (*cue happy dance to Mr. Blue Sky intro*). I so wish I could go back and give high school Ab a hug and tell her the things I know to be true now - I hope you know too that you don't have to be named Abigail for these truths to be true of you too. God sees you, knows you, and wants to be in relationship with you. Choose to not allow years to pass for true freedom of your heart and soul to take place because of the false narrative you may believe. You are already known and loved by your Creator. (*carry on dancing to Mr. Blue Sky*)
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