October is Depression Awareness Month.
I absolutely love watching the black squirrels and sing-song tiny blue and white birds (A+ for scientific description, right?) in our backyard. The little blue guys will come in groups of four at a time until about a dozen of them are screaming at each other in the tree - while two are playing in the rather unclean bird bathwater (they don't seem to mind). The squirrels frolic around shoving acorns in their mouths and digging with their sweet paws into the ground scrounging for more.
It's peaceful. I feel like I can catch my breath. These beautiful animals live their best lives and I get to observe their simplicity as crows caw somewhere off in the woods.
But the peace doesn't last.
The quiet seems to have offered rent to the shushed, empty space in my mind - and anxiousness just paid for a long lease I didn't agree to. Suddenly, what was peaceful and calming in the quiet, now loudly shoves all of life's tragedies and heartbreak to the forefront of everything. Mind and heart racing, I am overwhelmed by how rather un-simple life seems to be in this season. And man...what a long season it has been. I feel trapped, suffocating even - that it will never end, and this is the lowest of lows.
The tiny bluebirds are still chirping, and the squirrels are still hanging around our back porch - but all I feel is a profound sense of sadness and loss. What was that expression - none of us make it through life without bruises? I lean back, heart and mind bruised again, bruises still unhealed from life's last whack (and the one before that) - and wonder how to begin to even process - wondering what am I to do with THIS? I produce nothing slowly going under each day as endless waves of deep, vast sadness and a loss of interest in things I used to love takes over who I used to be.
Does this sound familiar to you? If you or someone you love is struggling with depression, you are not alone (even though your mind tells you that you are). Sometimes it's too much to process trauma alone. Sometimes it's difficult to put into words all the thoughts your mind is forcing on you. Depression can spiral downhill fast - and lead to suicidal thoughts you feel are out of your control.
October is Depression Awareness Month. Depression feels isolating, endless, and hopeless. Being a follower of Jesus doesn't mean you can't suffer from Depression, and I'm so deeply sorry if anyone has ever shamed you because of your mental health and relationship to Jesus. Trauma doesn't discriminate.
Depression affects at least one in ten people in any given year. Depression is also the leading factor in why someone dies of suicide every twelve minutes in the U.S. That's over 41,000 people a year.
You are not alone. I'm so sorry you are in the middle of what life has thrown at you and has left you unable to pick up all the pieces. Your life is so important and your presence on this earth was very much on purpose. I entirely understand it doesn't make what you are walking through go away, but just in case no one has ever told you that.
If you are having suicidal ideation, planning where, when, or how to complete suicide - there is help; call 800-273-8255 or click this link to talk to a crisis professional to walk you through your thoughts at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/. Your life matters.
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